Very complex. I get the general feeling of this piece; the tone was excellent, and you had some wonderful imagery in there.
The first stanza was great. The only thing that bothered me was the "caves of vampires". It just doesn't seem to fit with the overall flow of the stanza and general tone. I think it's the word vampires, but perhaps it's caves too. I say find a different metaphor to describe the darkened eyes.
and here, we sleep.
the masquerade of discotheque lights equal
to the poundings of war from behind
general's darkened glass, as debates
pummel cardboard minds.
I'm a little lost as to the meaning of this section, but the rhythm is excellent. I like the bit about the masquerade of discotheque lights.
We dangle special-angled shots
Special? It's a little too, oh, general, I guess. I really have no suggestions for what to put there. Low-angled? Tilted?
Nice work!
Colleen
Points: 5890
Reviews: 758
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