they splutter The Old Lie into our
beer caked speakers at this open mic night,
every man with bohemian rhapsody splattered
down their tux and ties, every lady
batting mascara eyes like caves of vampires,
pushing fortune and pinching pennies
underneath the satin curtains of the table.
and here, we sleep.
the masquerade of discotheque lights equal
to the poundings of war from behind
general's darkened glass, as debates
pummel cardboard minds.
We dangle tilted shots of
Verdana and Georgia on the table legs,
cheap girls without a scrap of dignity on
their mounding flesh, only our whispers
that they are our prize, and so they hide
in the darkest corners of our lives.
more yet, we grapple for attention,
snapping wit as we peek up skirts and run
a nail down political hosiery. we see their
shoes tap, we throw their food back -
the silverware topples to sheath itself
in our anatomy artiste.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Very complex. I get the general feeling of this piece; the tone was excellent, and you had some wonderful imagery in there.
The first stanza was great. The only thing that bothered me was the "caves of vampires". It just doesn't seem to fit with the overall flow of the stanza and general tone. I think it's the word vampires, but perhaps it's caves too. I say find a different metaphor to describe the darkened eyes.
I'm a little lost as to the meaning of this section, but the rhythm is excellent. I like the bit about the masquerade of discotheque lights.
Special? It's a little too, oh, general, I guess. I really have no suggestions for what to put there. Low-angled? Tilted?
Nice work!
Colleen